Do ya wanna get weird?

Well hell literally almost froze over before I was asked on a date.  Chicago Blizzard 2011 - I just wanted an excuse to leave work early, grab some wine, and make snow angels.  Instead I end up at a cool little Irish pub with Gus, a friend of mine from law school, and a few of his co-workers.  Poor Gus, I'm not sure who has worst luck dating, him or me.  Although I can guarantee my stories kick his stories ass, such as Exhibit A - Lenny.


Lenny is ok-cute - not really my type, so 1 point for Lenny most likely not coming from the shit-hole pickin's of men.  He is tall, guess ol' boy Lenny gets another point.  I learn Lenny is friends with Gus's friends and does some sort of work with companies who owns bars.  To be honest, I didn't really care what Lenny did after I heard bar - my question then was, then were's my f'n birthday party in my mouth shot??  I guess Lenny isn't a bartender.  Minus 1 point.


Lenny asks for my number and if it would be ok to take me out sometime.  I agree.  He leaves early while the rest of us ponder snow angels.  After he's gone,  I get a text from Lenny saying that he's sorry he had to split, but looking forward to taking me out.  I smile.


The following day, I get a text from Lenny asking what my weekend plans are.  Wow, I may need to take some deep breaths - it's been ages since I met a man who asked for my number and actually used it.  Yep, the Chicago Blizzard caused hell to freeze over.  We agree upon West Town Tavern for Friday night.


Friday, I get a text from Lenny that says he's excited to take me out.  Ok, this boy is making me smile - point Lenny.  So, maybe you folks were onto something, maybe my type does suck the straw out of a heated up asshole?  I get to West Town Tavern - so cute.  The exposed brick, the crackling wood of the fire place, the low roar of conversation tickled with laughs - yes, this is the perfect first date spot.  Lenny is waiting for me at the bar with a glass of red wine.  A DELICIOUS glass of red wine.  1 point Lenny.  We get to our table, a cozy table for 2.  We talk.  Wow, we are actually talking about real things - basketball, Emanuel as mayor, how he coaches an 8th grade team from Cabrini.  Hum...maybe this guy isn't so bad.  We talk for a good 30 min before we even open our menu.  Except, something isn't right.  Lenny is getting loopy.  I think he's just nervous.  Nope, awww hell, Lenny is getting smashed!  I'm baffled.  WTF has Lenny been drinking or taken before coming to dinner?  I mean, I'm glass for glass with him in wine and I'm not slurring my words.  Awww damn, he didn't roofie me did he?  Ok, ok, no roofies...at least not in my drink, but definitely something in his...and HERE comes the fun boys and girls.


Lenny:  So, uh, ya wanna get naked? minus 10 points
Me: uh, NO.
Lenny:  huh?  Why not?
Me: I'm not having this conversation (please bring me my food, please bring me my food).


YAY!!!!!  Food.  Well, that shut Lenny up for literally 2 minutes.  Yes, 2 minutes, and that may be exaggerating!  I have never seen someone shovel that much food into their mouth.  I just couldn't watch.  But hey, beggars can't be choosers...it was 2 minutes I didn't have to worry about what freak show may come out next.  I attempt to eat my pork tenderloin - which looked beautiful - too bad I didn't get to soak it all in before Lenny's big ol' clunky fork is digging into my meat.  Really??  Is this normal behavior??  Do strangers just eat off of their dates plates now?  I mean, in his mind did he just think, well, she's not getting naked, I'm paying for this anyway, so, it's my food too.  Whatever.  Gross.  As if that wasn't rude enough, he then asks for the check while I am still finishing dinner.  At this point I don't even want to see the food garbage disposal over there has shoveled through.  If Lenny is wasted...Dani is getting wasted too!!


We walk to a bar across the street.  I'd like to say we walked, but I guess Lenny thought that if we stood there in one spot long enough maybe I'd magically lose my clothes or something.  Ugh, just get me a f'n drink and get it to me NOW!!!  I make friends with the bartender - birthday parties in your mouths for everyone!!!


Sidebar - if you do not know what a birthday party in your mouth is, you are missing out on life.  Learn it immediately.  It is always someone's birthday and you will want to celebrate!


Thankfully around this time Peaches comes to the rescue!  I'm begging her to please go to my favorite local bar immediately so we can all meet up.  I need someone else to witness this.  Peaches tells us to come to B's house (Peaches' bf).  I seriously didn't think I could catch a cab that fast, in heels, in 27 inches of snow - yeah, THAT should be an Olympic event!  We get to B's and well, let's say all of us are in our champagne bubbles!  B and Lenny go outside to chat.  A few moments later, B is making the strangest faces I have ever seen.  He's making "hit the road" signs, "lose him" signs - and some faces I didn't even know a man could make.  Whatever, I was drunk, tired, and definitely not looking forward to a night-cap with Lenny.  Eventually we get into separate cabs, not sure how I pulled that one off.  I came home and drifted off to dream world.


Nothing like the next morning after your friends have met a potential suitor.  I have 2 texts from Peaches "Are you alive?  Do you have a prisoner?" and "Have you been kidnapped?"  All valid concerns.  I finally text her back, no prisoner, thank the Lord!!!  Peaches asks if B told me what Lenny said to him while they were outside - he had not.  Peaches informs me of the following:


"He asked B if he wanted to get weird.  B was like, what do you mean?  And he said, let's just say I'm not afraid to see your penis."  Minus 4309584296754695807865 points


W. T. F. ??????  Seriously Chicago, this is what you give me!!!  I finally accept a date w/a bloody lad who wasn't my type and most likely not from the shit-hole of men pickings - and THIS is what I get?????  According to B's interpretation, Lenny wanted the 4 of us to get together.  Yes, because THAT is appropriate first date behavior!!
It is now Tuesday - I have gotten apology messages from Lenny on Saturday, Sunday, and Today.  I haven't responded.  I mean, what do I say, "um, when you told B that you're not afraid to see his penis, that made me uncomfortable?"  Do I ask why I wasn't consulted in this orgy conversation?  I mean what is wrong with people???


I think I'm never dating again - or only dating for the purposes of this blog.  Good heavens - are there any non-asshole freak-shows out there??

The world is your smorgasboard...

Hi all!  I'm Dani - a 30-something Chicago single who loves fashion, basketball, and here lately, boys.  You can usually find me prancing around town in my Loubies with my 2 best friends - Eva and Peaches (don’t ask).  Im an attorney by day, and well, since my latest break-up, sometimes by night.  And trust me, since back in the dating world, I think I'd rather be writing briefs than trying to see a man in his.  

I've always pondered writing a blog, but it wasn't until my latest date that I actually pulled the trigger.  After an excruciating amour lasted a year and a half too long, I'm back on the market.  Eva's theory about dating is that "the world is your smorgasboard."  My theory has always been to "keep one in your hand and another in your pocket" but since I'm more of a "do as I say and not as I do" kinda girl, that hasn’t quite been my style.  Until now...  Since my “type” appear to be tall, self-centered, assholes often found at the bottom of the shit-hole of men - maybe Eva is on to something...the world is my smorgasboard; and why can’t I have one in my hand and another in my pocket?  The challenge is on!